Back at the salt mines......

Long time no write so I am going to move forward as if I have been writing continuously about the day to day minutiae of my life.

I have been doing a lot of traveling for work the last 2 weeks. I flew to our offices in San Jose two weeks ago, Andover MA a week ago, and Chicago just yesterday. Business travel is pretty tiring and trying at times. I don't know how the road warrior types do it but I guess like any other human endeavor people adapt. It was nice to be around some winter like weather, I was able to visit some friends in San Francisco, and was only delayed once out of 8 flights I took. Plus this travel put me over the mileage hump to make elite class with Continental like a real businessman which brings me to the thought behind this post.

Business meetings are still something I am getting used to. Despite having worked in some kind of office environment for almost 2 decades I still enter every meeting/conference call thinking this will be the time I will be found out as a some punk kid faking it in an adult world. Other contemporaries, insides and out of IT, have echoed similar sentiments.

I know that my lack of self confidence which is tied into larger identity issues is responsible for this feeling despite all the evidence to the contrary that I not only know what I am doing at my jobs but that I am also recognized as doing it well. Because of being exposed to speaking to audiences of different sizes from an early age (debate, drama, training) I am also pretty good at extemporaneous and prepared speaking. I have often checked in on myself as I rattle off concepts and data to audiences surprising myself that I can maintain a dialog without putting much active thought into it. This helps at these meetings.

Also tied into this is my lack of proper business attire. One of the reasons I like working in IT is because for the most part it has kept from having to wear a suite/tie and even long pants. In my current role however I am often in rooms with a C(insert intial)O and it would work against us if my appearance were any type of issue. That said I am only one nice suit away from taking care of that concern, as the shoes, ties, etc are taken care of.

I think I am close to turning a corner in regards to my perspective on work and its relation to who I am. I recently cam to the conclusion that I need to find some kind of fulfillment in what I do for a living. This differs significantly from my previous approach to keep what I do for a living and to subsist completely separate and with no connection to the person I am. Despite my best efforts I care about the work I do as I want to make sure my duties whatever they are are done well allowing others to their tasks.

Not that I will take more import in what I do for a living but rather not dismiss it as just meaningless wigdet selling and paper pushing but as something that I can look at as an accomplishment with meaning, albeit shallow, within its own context. This is for the interim while I try to find a job that although maybe doesn't pay as well may offer more availability for personal satisfaction instead of having to convince myself that my efforts are not wasted. The only trick will be finding said vocation that doesn't involve helping or interacting with others too much (at least directly) as I am still a default misanthrope.